Death of Friendship (Repost)



I enjoyed writing this piece, at dahil napapanahon (at walang bagong entry ang lolah nyo), i am repostingbthis blog entry. :)   Hello Friendship! You're the best. Char. Hahaha!



********************

Naisip mo na ba kung paano ka mamatay?


Alam ko may pagka morbid ang topic pero hindi ba sumasagi sa guni-guni mo ‘yan?


Ako kasi, gusto ko walang pain, walang matagal na paghihirap. Parang natulog lang ako tapos hindi na ako nagising.


Ayokong magkasakit ng matagal, tapos mahihirapan pa bago mamatay. Hindi ko kasi kering mag bedspace sa hospital at magbilang ng natitirang oras.


My brain is so dynamic kaya I dreaded yung mga pain pag naiisip ko.


During one of our conversations, Friendship and I talked about death.


Si Friendship gusto rin n’ya ng simpleng kamatayan. Ayaw nya ng vongga. Pero gusto nya, mamatay s’yang masaya.


Mamatay ng masaya?


Meron ba non?


Ok. So naging hamon para sa akin kung paano mamatay ng masaya si Friendship.


Yes, I took it as a challenge.


Oh, I love challenges. Being a beauty queen I am so competitive kaya.


So, eto ang scenario kunwari...…


Patay na si Friendship…



Syempre may coffee party (read: LAMAY), habang nagsa-sakla, tong-its at pusoy ang mga kapitbahay at pinaiikot ang tong para sa abuloy, pinag-uusapan ang cause of death nya.


Kapitbahay: “Batang-bata pa mare. Ano ba ang ikinamatay?”


Si kapitbahay pala ay 60 years old kaya bata pa talaga si Friendship sa kanyang point of view.


Ms. Chuniverse: “Death by asphyxia.”


Kapitbahay: “Ano yon?’

Ms. Chuniverse: “Nabulunan po ng titi, hindi nakahinga.”

Kapitbahay: “Aahhhh… kaya pala naka smile yung bangkay.”

Oh devah wagi?

Kapitbahay: “Bakit walang nag first aid? CPR? Mouth to mouth?”

Ms. Chuniverse: “Kung amoy titi po ba ang bunganga? Ima-mouth to mouth nyo ba?”

O sample lang ‘yan ng usapan ha.

Wag ma-keri.
……………………………………..

Pero tahimik na tao lang si Friendship. Simple. Ayaw nya ng media coverage. Kaya just in case na masagap ng mga reporter ang not-so flattering na cause of death, I will try my best to block the evening news na may ganitong headline…

MAGANDANG GABI BAYAN! Isang bakla ang nabulunan sa loob ng sinehan…

I pramis Friendship, I will use all my powers to avoid this (your death) from becoming a media circus, kasi ayaw mo nga ng media mileage devah?

Pero at least, natupad ang wish mo na mamatay ng masaya! At syempre, kakaririn ko ang party este lamay.

Kasehodang kumuha ako ng Lamay Organizer.

Pero bago pag-usapan ang details ng lamay, let’s talk about what Friendship will wear for his ‘groundbreaking’ funeral.

Friendship is an RTW person pero that is sooo not fasyon devah?

Kaya Friendship will wear couture- at least for once in his life... este death pala.

During the funeral, magpapalit sya ng getup twice a day – morning and evening outfit.Friendship will surely understand kung hindi si Michael Kors ang mag-di-design ng outfits nya ‘coz we don’t have enough time to facilitate that.

You know naman na in funerals, time is of the essence. Baka fertilizer na sya, hindi pa tapos ang damit nya.

Kaya we will settle for a local designer. Magaling si Rajo devah? Pero baka busy din zha. Try natin si Ivarluski Aseron.

Basta I promise, we will not get Puey Quinones. Baka kasi may maka-mukha si Friendship ng outfit. Maraming vakla pa naman na favorite ang Dansen.


Imagine, ‘yung makikipaglamay kamukha ng suot ng pinaglalamayan? That is a major fashion faux pas devah?! Friendship will rather die a second time by all STD’s combined then be caught wearing the same outfit as his manlalamay. Char!

I shudder the thought!

Of course, we should not forget the make up.

Funeral make-up is as important as oral sex is to you and me.

You don’t want an uneven make-up during your funeral devah? So ganoon din si Friendship.There will be an hourly make-up retouching. Dapat siguro earth tone colors. Im sure babagay ang bronze sa kanya at dapat may emphasis sa cheekbone kasi maganda ang cheekbone nya.Minsan nga naiisip ko, sana nga naging cheekbone na lang sya. Choz!

At dapat pouty lips para hindi obvious na gamit na gamit ang bunganga nya. Choz uli. Hahaha!

Sa unang gabi ng lamay, may ribbon cutting.

Oh, I’m sure hindi nyo naisip ‘yan noh?

Syempre, to formally open the occasion. Ricky Reyes and Joel Cruz will do the ribbon cutting.Magpapamigay din sila ng libreng rebond at Afficionado perfume samples sa first 50 lamay goers. Kaya guys you should come early.

Admit it, creative ang idea ko. Thank you!

To attract more people, free-flowing ang Starbucks.

Aber, sino sa inyo ang naka-attend na ng lamay na Starbucks ang coffee?

I’m sure, dadagsain ‘yan ng mga social climbers at mga instant 3-in-1 coffee drinkers. Syempre, i-e-ex-deal ko yung Starbucks. Pwede silang magsabit ng tarpaulin sa paligid ng venue. Tapos sa coffin mismo, dun sa nilalagyan ng “Ala-ala ng mga naulila….” kasama ang Starbucks logo at iba pang sponsors. O devah, exposure ‘yan? Syempre may major at minor sponsors. Mas malaki ang bigay, mas malaki ang logo. So, lahat ng sisilip sa fez ni Friendship sa loob ng coffin, makikita ang mga participating advetisers.

Magkakaroon din ng hourly-raffle to sustain the number of nakikiramays. Prizes will be solicited din. Ex-deal din para tipid. Like, gift certificate for an overnight accommodation sa Himlayang Pilipino, gift checks from Club Bath, one year supply ng Durex, etcetera, etcetera.Basta, see posters and print ads for details.

Should I get a DTI permit for that? At kailangan din ba ng DTI representative during the raffle?Hayyy… haggardo versoza. Saka ko na isipin yan.

Sa ikalawang gabi, ipu-prusisyon ang bangkay ni Friendship in his pink coffin with Swarovski crystal embellishments sa Washington St., Makati City. Didiretso ito ng Ayala. Magkakaroon ng re-routing ng mga sasakyan. Kaya mga vaklang nag-o-opisina sa matatas na building ng Ayala– ihanda ang mga glitters at confetti!!!

Pramis, mahihiya ang Panagbenga dito!


Nakapila sa likod ng prusisyon lahat ng lalaking na chorva nya. My gosh, siguro mga dalawanlibong kalalakihan ‘yon! Sana naman, makauwi ng Pinas yung mga seaman, at mga construction workers abroad na na-chorva nya dati.

Ibabalik ang coffin sa venue. Tapos may live streaming ang burol sa Downelink at Planet Romeo. Kabog lang ang mga nagso-show. Holiday muna sila. Gabi ni Friendship toh!. Walang e-epal.

Magsi-set-up din ako ng mga glory holes sa buong area para naman hindi mainip ang mga vaklang makakati ang mga paa. Magkakaroon din ng libreng foot spa, nail art at free henna tattoo.

Sa ikatlong araw ng burol, bibigyan si Friendship ng supreme honors. Ililibot sya sa mga favorite places nya. And these are, Baclaran Cinema, Dilson at Roben.

Oh devah parang METRO MANILA FILMFEST lang! Ang sayah-sayah!!!!

Sana nga lang ‘wag tumapat ng December ang death nya kasi kasabayan nya ang Shake, Rattle & Roll at mga movies ni Vic Sotto at Bong Revilla. Pero just in case na tumapat nga sa Filmfest, igagawa ko si Friendship ng vonggang float at isa-sabay ko ‘to sa Parade of Stars sa December 24 sa Mall of Asia.

Baka nga manalo pa si Friendship ng Star of The Night devah? Syempre, I will gladly accept his award on his behalf – that’s what friends are for.

Sa huling araw ng burol, dapat big night.

Eh ano ba ang usually nangyayari sa big night???

No brainer devah. Tutumbasan ko lang ng mga macho dancers ang edad ni Frienship. Kung natigok sya ngayon, eh di 40 macho dancers yon. Char! Hahaha!

Bata pa si Friendship.

Grade 6 pa lang s’ya nung fourth year highschool si Caridad Sanchez! Chos! ‘Wag kang magalit Friendship, joke-joke lang.

So balik tayo sa huling araw ng burol. Yung mga macho dancers, to keep with the motif ay black na belo lang ang suot covering their nostrils. Tapos sasayaw sila sa music ng “Fireworks” ni Katy Perry.

Unless of course Friendship will insists on his favorite song which is by the way “Luha” of Aegis.

How jologs devah.

Pero hindi na naman siguro sya care kasi nga dedbol na sya. So balik tayo sa “Fireworks” ni Katy Perry which is actually my favorite. Hahaha!

This will definitely outclass lahat ng lamay na napuntahan ko.

Haaay… I am so excited naahhh!!!!

Teka, may libing pa pala.

At sa araw ng libing…

Baka hindi muna sya i-libing.

Kasi kung successful ang event, i-extend pa natin ang burol. Maglalagay uli ako ng tarpaulin sa venue at ang nakasulat ay…

NOW ON IT’S SECOND WEEK!

Oo, I can really envision na this is gonna be phenomenal!

I can imagine CNN and National Geographic Channel covering the event. Friendship, pabayaan na natin ang media, alam mo namang sanay na sanay na ang beauty ko sa mga cameras. Choz.Hahaha!

Siguro after one month, pagod na rin ang lahat sa kala-lamay.

So, it’s time to end everything sa araw ng libing.

Pero…

HINDI SYA ILILIBING!

Friendship will be cremated.

And his ashes will be brought sa isang kumpanya ng condom. Gagamitin itong ingredient sa pag-gawa ng dotted condom.

Tingnan nyo naman, hanggang sa huling sandali, titi pa rin ang kanyang kapiling.

I know, I am so GENIUS kaya!

Haaayyyy…. Isn’t this the most wonderful gift a friend can give?

I’m sure Friendship will be very happy.

I promise I will try not to cry.

But I wonder if Friendship will do the same for me.

Hmmmm….

……………………....................................


posted under |

21 comments:

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

Read this the first time at hanggang ngayon nakakatawa pa rin. Haha.

jetlander said...

Ms Chuni, pwede ka bang kunin na lamay organizer ko, gusto ko ang mga plans mo pero instead of ayala ang prusisyon, ok na sakin ang orosa nakpil :) lidding aside dami kong tawa madam. Sana dumalas ulit ang post mo kasi miss na miss ko na ang mga adventures mo.

Anonymous said...

Ano yung Glory Hole!?

- @ilikeit_raff

A L P O said...

baka kailangan mo memst ng isang 'Mass Card' ulit, just inform me :-D

Dyosa said...

Kinaloka ko ng bongga ang entry na ito, Madam.

Type ko ung pink casket.and imferview, I like the idea of the glory holes...whooo..I can't wait.

Sana open to the public yaan, para naman masaya. Baka talunin pa ng event na ito ang Black Party ng Love Yourself group.

Kung starbucks nga pala ang kape, anong brand naman biscuits ang ihahanda mo?

..........

BTW, hongtogol mong nasundan ung last post mo, Namiss ka ng sangkablogeyahan ng bongang-bongga.

Happy Halloween, Madam.

SnaBerO said...

imba hehehe nakakawala ng lungkot ^_^ the best lang.

Anonymous said...

Glory Holes..

A glory hole (also spelled gloryhole and glory-hole) is a hole in a wall, or other partition, often between public lavatory stalls or adult video arcade booths for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person in the next cubicle while one or both parties masturbate.[1] The partition maintains anonymity. Body parts including fingers, tongue and penis may be used for anonymous oral, vaginal and/or anal intercourse. Erotic literature and pornographic films have been devoted to the sexual uses of glory holes

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glory_hole_(sexual_slang)

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ZaiZai said...

"Funeral make-up is as important as oral sex is to you and me"


AMEN!

Anonymous said...

Another epic blogpost from the Queen!

Happy Halloween Miss Chuni!

-Discreet Pasigueño

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sireyna said...

bonggang bongga naman pala si friendship pag nategi bam bam na ahahaha! ang galing mong organizer at magplano ng lamay at libing na napakasosyal.

tawa ako nang tawa dito kaloka ka!

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Anonymous said...

madam ngtaas ka na ba ng pf kaya bihira kana mg sulat sa blog mo? :(

Anonymous said...

madam, alam ko na sikat kana at malaki na ulo mo(sa taas at baba)kaya di kana mahilig mg sulat sa blog mo...:( pwede bang mg request? Si Adoray na lang gawing mong pseudowriter...LOL

Anonymous said...

futakels! hahaha.. the best coffe party ever 'yan, madame! haylab this entry!

Anonymous said...

Is Ms. Chuniverse dead????????????????? Haven't heard from HER!!

Anonymous said...

Yes she is. May she rest in peace.

Ken Benedicto said...

Updated twitter nya haha. Follow nyo xa dun.

Anonymous said...

Winner ang post na itetch... super laff aketz

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