Gusto Mo Bang Pumayat?

Not too long ago.

Nagising aketch isang araw sa isang masaklap na katotohanan.

Saksi ang salamin at ang weighing scale, akin nang na confirm.

Tumataba na aketch.

Ohmygash!

Ang sumpa ng mga ex-boyfriends! Nagaganap na!

Ang dating 30-inch waistline ay nag-somersault ng vonggang-vongga to 36.

HAWCANITBEEEHHH!

Ganun pa rin naman aketch kumain. Hindi naman nabago.

Two cups of rice each meal.

Takaw noh?

Laking province kasi ang beauty queen at nasanay na ang breakfast, lunch at dinner ay rice meal. And take note sa probinsya, ang merienda – kanin pa rin. Hihihi!

Parang construction worker lang kung kumain.

Sabi ng isang bruhildang acquaintance na nagbigay ng kanyang unsolicited advice.

“Baka kasi bumagal na ang metabolism mo.”

Na for me, ang translation ay “Tumatanda ka na!”

Ang bruha. How dare you imply na Thundercats na aketch. Of course not.

Baby fats lang ‘to!

Or stored fats?

Alam ko nah!

Stored baby fats na ngayon lang na-isipang mag-surface sa aking body beautiful?

Oo nga.

Pero I have to do something. Ang dami ng nakakapansin. Dito pa naman sa bansang itetch, normal lang ang magsabing…

“Tumataba ka!”

Mga insensitive chakas. Sana sinaksak nyo na lang aketch.

No way! Hindi nila ako pwedeng laitin.

Over my dead and sex… ahmmm… volup…. ahmmmm… slightly bigger body!

Makikita nyo!

…………

At nag-enroll sa gym ang inyong lolah. Binigyan sya ng kanyang trainer ng cardio exercise program para ma-reach nya ang kanyang goal.

30 inch waistline. 140 lbs.

Ang kaso, born cheater ang gagah.

Instead na 30 minutes sa stair climber, nag 15 lang. Masakit daw sa legs.

At ang supposed to be 2 sessions sa treadmill ay ginawang isa. Enough na daw ‘yon.

At habang nagti-threadmill, nakatingin sa menu ng Mr. Choi!

At even before matapos ang session, umo-order na ng food for pick-up.

Mas matagal pa ang oras na ginugol sa pagbo-boy watching kaysa actual exercise.

Ang result after 6 months.

MAJOR FAILURE!

……………

Kaya in-endure ko muna ang kahihiyan.

Nag-stop mag-gym.

At inabot ‘yon ng taon.

Dinedma ang mga puna.

…………….

Until one day.

Isang friend ang nagsabi sa akin about this.















Very effective daw. One can lose as much as 25lbs in one month.

OHMYGASH uli! This time in all caps.

Eh di in one month, maku-kuha ko na ang target ko.

I like!

I super like!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I can’t wait to say… “Ex-boyfriends, look at me now. Hahahaha!”

Teka, some clarifications muna.

Me: “Eh teka, mahirap ba gawin ‘yan?”

Him: “Sa umpisa, may struggle ‘coz you will be changing your eating habits and your body will flush out all the toxins.”

Me: “Sounds good to me”

Him: “And this is a personalized balance eating plan. You’re plan is exclusive to you. Hindi pwede kopyahin ng iba. You will not starve. Kasi the food will be your medicine. You will not only drastically lose weight pero your body will get toned as a result nung program.”

Me: “Pero they have to get my blood sample first, right?”

Him: “Yes, you’re sample will be sent to Singapore lab for analysis. And then your blood profile will be the basis kung anong program ang kailangan mo i-take.”

Me: “Galing! Excited na aketch.”

Him: “Go! Set an appointment na with them. Look at me, I’m payat na di ba?”

Me: “Oo nga. And I spoke din kay Alou, effective din sa kanya. Magkano nga binayaran mo?”

Him: “P55,000.00”

HANUDAW?????

Me: “Teka… teka… P55,000.00?”

Him: “Yup.”

Me: “Eh putsa pala, mangangayayat nga ako nyan kakaisip sa pambayad.”

Him: “But it’s effective.”

Me: “Dapat lang! Ilang boylets na kaya ang mapapasa-kamay ko sa ganyang halaga.”

Or sa halagang ‘yan, pang down payment ko na rin yan sa pangarap kong…










………………

Anyway, hindi rin tinuloy ng inyong lolah ang uber expensive na Cohen. And besides, I don’t think a-appeal sa ‘kin yon.

Biruin mo, bawal ang rice.

They will provide you recipes to cook and eat like Sinigang na Sugpo, Adobo, etc.

Sinigang na sugpo and Adobo without rice?

Haller???















Ang rice substitute daw ay crackers – na sa Santis (Delicatessen) mo lang mabibili.

Expensive crackers I bet.

‘Di ko keri. My social climbing activity ends here.

Tanggalin mo na ang lahat pati puri ko ‘wag lang rice.

Rice is my only ‘vice’.

I don’t even smoke and I rarely drink.

Hindi rin ako namba-babae.

Pramis.

Tapos aalisin pa ang rice?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…………………………………..

Fast forward.

Three months ago I tried something different.

Shi-nare sa akin ng isang friend uli.

This time it’s cheap.

So cheap that I can afford it.

Water therapy my dear.

Best part is I need not sacrifice my ‘vice’.

Though nabawasan ang cravings ko sa rice.

And I can say na epektib sya mga ateh at ditse.

I’m down to 32-inch waistline.

Without being P55,000.00 poorer.

Hihihi!

And i feel better than ever gotesco commonwealth!


Note: Ditse, consult your doctor first before you even try this. Mwah!






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10 comments:

Mac Callister said...

hay naku ang rice ang salarin sa paglaki ng waistline!ako halos wala na rice ngayon kasi lumalaki na din ang bewang haha.

at tama water muna bago kumain ng kahit ano para atleast konti nalang makakain mo kasi busog ka na agad sa tubig!

Ewan said...

matry nga rin yang water therapy na yan para bumalik na yung 22-inch kong waist line :)

Ms. Chuniverse said...

tumpac ka mac.

at wala pang calorie ang tubig.

iyon nga lang, ihi ako ng ihi.

hihihi!

Ms. Chuniverse said...

@Ewan... Venus, isdatchu?

Felipe said...

tama ka diyan sa sumpa ng ex boyfriends!

PILYO said...

follow this diet:

eat one cup of rice lang every meal, instead of rice sa breakfast, try wheat bread.

Dinner: apple and carrots.

sabayan mo ng workout sa gym, one month lang, tunaw ang fats mo.

Ms. Chuniverse said...

@Pilyo... ngayon nagagawa ko na yung one cup of rice every meal.

Kaya ko na rin wag mag rice ng lunch.

Yung dinner, sinubukan ko na rin ng walang rice.

Kaso binabangungot aketch. kaya back to rice uli.

Yung apple at carrots ginagawa kong shake. Hinahaluan ko ng pineapple at ice. Pwede na ba yun?

Anonymous said...

baligtad. ako..hindi tumataba.:(

orally said...

sana magtagumpay ka kapatid!
nakakabangungot nga ang walang rice.
Ang Singapore pa naman is Fried Rice Paradise.

Ms. Chuniverse said...

@Anonymous... isa kang dyosa.

@Orally... tama ka sis. my favorite sa singapore is the hainanese chicken rice. kung ako ang nandyan, goodbye diet.

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